I started running because I liked to smoke pot.
I started running because I needed to run away from the prying eyes of school security guards and questioning parents.
In boarding school in CT, a friend and I would take off down the road, after classes, sealed joints in secret pockets. A white Ford bronco driven by the school rent-a-cops would follow us for a mile or so and then turn around. At about three miles, there was a cemetery where my running partner, a.k.a. pot smoking partner, and I would light up behind a tombstone.
After burning a few, we'd continue on for six or so more miles. We kept running because we smelled like the inside of a boogie van at a Blue Oyster Cult concert, as well as looked like we'd been looking into the sun for way too long.
But as we continued on our run through the Connecticut countryside, something funny would happen to me. Having completed our mission -- to get high -- we were no longer running from anything anymore. We were just running. And then there would be a moment when I'd feel like I was chasing after something though I could never quite figure what exactly I was chasing.
Every run had this dynamic. It would start off as running from something. It would end as chasing after something.
I no longer run from rent-a-cops in white Ford broncos. I no longer run to smoke pot. But I still have lots of things everyday that I want to run from.
Fear makes me run from things. Strength makes me chase after things. Running makes me feel strong. Running transforms my fear into strength.
6 comments:
running from/chasing after. interesting thought. i have never really thought about the whole "running from" aspect of my runs. perhaps it is my own vanity. i run for the thrill. the rush of pushing my body to the limit. however, i would be lying if i left it at that.
no, i also run because i want to be the best. i am chasing the victorious feeling that i used to have in high school. i was never a top athlete. but i wanted to win more than anyone else. i pushed harder than anyone else. i could withstand the enduring pain of an 800 yard dash longer than anyone else. there is something thrilling about the feeling of looking back at your team after a work out and knowing in your mind that "i just kicked your ass!"
that's why i time myself. that's why i measure almost every run i take on google maps and calculate my split times. that's why i NEVER let anyone pass me.
even tonight, as i left my house for a 45 minute jog, i found myself running about 25% faster than i planned on running because i was subconsciously trying to catch the guy in front of me. and i caught him. and i felt like turning around and saying "i just kicked your ass."
i'm chasing victory. supremacy. whatever it is called. even if it is only against myself. even on the east river. i want to win.
I can understand the running from chasing after. But I might be thinking of it differently purely from a physical sense. I think I start out running toward something - I start having this very conquering feeling which feels very very powerful. Maybe invincible and fresh. Yes, I do not see it is a running from it is a running toward - a surge. But at the end of a run I can say I may be chasing after if I am really really pushing myself (which is not always the case). But on those good days and those good times, where I push myself to the limit I am chasing after. Because it can feel like I cannot quite catch up to where I want to be - to myself or when I am exahusted where I started.
i havent run since last friday and it feels a little like- shit. it is as if there are layers of bullshit building up on me that i want to strip away and i feel like i can only do so if i run.
i get what banjoman says about running to win too. im really competitive but that tick tends to set in only during a run. when running with someone, i dont like to be tail wind. otherwise, its not a candid motivator - the wanting to win.
Running to win. I like that sentiment. But only if its not the way society sees winning. Which is that there is only one winner. The Super Bowl winner, the World Series Champion, the marathon race finalist and so on. I can't believe I'm about to do this, but an oldie but goodie piece of advice my dad once bestowed on me during my lacrosse days, was 'the only competition you have is yourself'. I can't think of a truer or more accurate thought in my life that goes beyond sports, but transcends to everything I do in my life. I want to win as a employee at BBH, I want to win as a Dad and a husband and a family member. i want to win as I run, but I don't need to successfully stand up on a podium by myself to claim my 'win'.
Daaaawn. i can completely agree. I haven't run since the weekend. And I feel horrid. The fact is, now that I think of it - its the same cycle. During the week I can get a run in, here and there. and on the weekend, i workout at every chance I get. I become the person I would be if I were still in college. Every weekend I am doing all I can, at every chance I get to chase down the former me. The girl that is "running late to the party because she had to work out" (you know the girl we both loathe and wish we could be). My wonder is, do I try to break that cycle in hope of running on a more consistent basis? Or fear changing anything because then I may not get a chance to run at all.
i went running last sunday and can still feel it in my legs. i like this more acute awareness of my muscles. i forget about them, but it's nice to know they're around somewhere.
i think to some degree that's what i'm chasing after now. wanting to awake the sleeping athlete in myself. wanting this shell i'm in to feel a bit more sturdy and tough. perhaps less soft and pear-shaped.
when i think back to when running was a sport for me, chasing had a different meaning. it was always pushing to see how far i could push. how fast and far could i run without giving in? before i would throw up? some of it was wanting to win. but a lot of it was wanting to be better than i had ever been before. i was always chasing after this vision of the runner i thought i could/should be.
Post a Comment